Fighting back

Today was an all time suck fuckingtastic day.

It was one of those days that if I still lived in Minnesota I would have went to sit with Squash….which knowing how February in Minnesota goes….would have been mighty cold and covered in snow.

Not the ideal time to visit a cemetery but there is nothing ideal about my crazy ass so it works.

The funks have been seriously fucking with me lately and I’m exhausted not to mention dizzy from the fucking up and down mood roller coaster shit.

When the funks would get to me in the past I would take my pitiful ass to the cemetery to sit with Squash.

It was quiet there….I found it peaceful.

I’d usually start by lighting a smoke and reminding Squash that I was still pissed at him for taking his own life.

I’d remind him that what he did was selfish and wrong…but that I understood….which is why I was there, visiting the grave of a dead friend.

Because I did understand what it’s like to feel the weight breaking your back, your mind chipping away at your soul, the exhaustion of fighting and just wanting to ‘go away’…I understand what it’s like to feel so certain that the world would be better without you, your kid would be better off without you that it’s fucking frightening.

Depression fucking blows and it’s been kicking my ass as of lately.

I feel like I’m losing my fucking mind.

I need a reality check….I need a doctor…..

When I watched this video today it hit me like a fucking truck.

It took my breathe away and brought me to my knees…..and then….it helped me back up.

I got chills listening to the words, my mind was flooded with memories as I watched the video.

I remember the days of N.W.A., I remember exactly where I was and what I was doing when Kurt Loder came on MTV News and announced Eazy E had died, I felt it…a little bit of those days….the days of Snoop, Dre and TuPac….the days when Em was really blonde….

I started to remember who I was and what I’ve been through….it felt as if Em was yelling at me and it felt good.

I remembered just what I am fighting for.

I heard the words of my friends telling me to get the fuck up and fight back, the same words I had refused to hear before.

I re-read the emails from the friends I’ve met along this blogging journey….the people who opened up their hearts, poured their guts out to me for no reason other than they could and I remembered how honored I felt to be the one catching their guts…..I re-read the blogs of those I’ve inspired hounded until they started their own blogs because they had some amazing stories to tell and they had a voice that needed to be heard even if they didn’t see it yet.

I felt the fight again, it started to creep back in with each lyric until finally I felt it break….I felt the funk break, the warmth of light is starting to soak in…