I got a call last week from the PIT’s school.

She was in the nurses office with a fever.

At this point I have to abandon my coworkers and mountain of insurance claims that just won’t fucking process, to pick up my sick little PIT

She had a temp and a sore throat.

Kids are filthy little creatures and who knows what the hell is floating around in the air of an elementary school so I took the PIT to the doctor to rule out Strep, Mono, Bird flu….all the normal stuff parents worry about while sitting in a waiting room

She didn’t have Strep, Mono or the bird flu

She did however have double ear infections, again.

Second time since April….neither one of us are amused.

After starting the antibiotics and resting it up the rest of the day, the PIT was feeling better the next morning and ready to head back to school

All is well…


And then the BastardCat starts randomly puking, like every fucking day.

The first couple times I just assumed it was due to hairballs since he is constantly licking his fur covered self

All hell broke loose on Thursday

After a complete and total shit fucking tastic day at the office, I was a *bit* on edge….

the PIT went to her friends house for a bit before dinner, mostly because it was obvious I was in NO mood, for anything.

I heard some kids making a ruckus outside my apartment…..

just then the PIT walked in….

just THEN the fire alarm went off and I flipped my shit

“What did you do?!” I shrieked at the PIT

“Nothing mom, I didn’t do anything!!”

I kept yelling, she kept insisting she had nothing to do with it…all while the fire alarm is blarring

I storm outside, where most of my neighbors had started to congregate…

there were 3 older boys (11-13ish) and 1 six year old girl standing in what looked to be a very guilty herd

“Which one of you fucking did it?!” I basically screamed

All three boys point to the one six year old girl who obviously is a little rebel and came up with this whole idea entirely on her own…..not.

Arguing with punk ass teens is not nearly as amusing as it used to be

Kids are fucking assholes

Lemme tell you, if I had said anything even CLOSE to what these punks said to an adult when I was a punk ass teen….my mother would have beat my fucking ass….with guilt and groundings but apparently it worked because I know enough to respect my elders for fuck sake.

I got bored arguing with the obnoxious teens rather quickly and headed back to the house

I storm back into the house, head for my purse where my delicious menthol friends were waiting for me when I notice the bastardcat cowering in the corner, obviously terrified by the shrieking fire alarm, trying to bury his poop, in the carpet, unsuccessfully.

The fire alarm had obviously scared the shit out of him, literally

I held onto that hopeful thought for about an hour and then the bastard puked, again.

By midnight I’m locked in the bathroom with the furry little fuck, trying to comfort him & keep him from lying in his own puke which at this point, is not stopping and seriously scarring me.

I sit there with him, bawling my eyes out because obviously the day had defeated me in a big fucking way

I felt like the most horrible mother ever for yelling at the PIT and basically calling her bullshit, which turns out wasn’t bullshit….I had NO idea what was wrong with the bastardcat or what to do with him…..except watch him through the night and find a good vet first thing in the morning

Thankfully the Bastardcat’s lady friend, Lily,

recommended a great vet that got us in right away

The Bastardcat sniffed around the exam room with minimal enthusiasm which is strange for him…

On a good day, he’d tear that mother down….clearly he was very sick

He made nice with the vet right up until the vet checked his temp…via his ass.

It was at this point when the vet said “Oh, he still has is claws”

and I said “DUH! He’s a jungle cat. Of course he has his claws”

I was a bit annoyed at this point. I mean, why make me fill out the forms if you’re not going to read them.

When asked what breed the Bastardcat is, I clearly wrote “Jungle”

Also, when asked what kind of food I feed him, I wrote, “the one that comes in a pink & green bag”

I think the vet loves me :) Or hates me. Either is fine as long as the bastardcat gets better

Turns out the little Bastard had a fever and everything!

After 2 shots of medication, a shot of fluids under his skin that made him look like a hunch back and leaked, literally…he started to perk up a bit….

He started to eat….AND keep it in, which was huge progress

The next day was better at first but took a shitty turn rather quick and quite literally

The bastardcat was walking past me when I heard the distinct sound of a fart…one of those, ass whistle farts….

Yeah, you know exactly what I’m talking about bitches

He just stands there with his tail up and this “Oh FUCK” look on his furry little face and then…

he fucking exploded.

From the ass

all over the wall,

all down his fur covered pants…

This is where I just fucking loose it,

throw my hands up in the air and declare “I’M IN OVER MY FUCKING HEAD!!!!”

as I start to hyperventilate and cry, like a champion…..obviously

Have you ever considered what to do when your cat shits himself?! Well have you!? Because it’s something you want to have a game plan for or you’ll end up light headed from the pure anxiety of your cat SHITTING ON YOUR WALL and almost pass out. PLAN people….get a plan, NOW. Or get rid of your cat. Your call

I almost considered getting rid of the shit covered cat, which didn’t help the anxiety at all (I’m a *lil* fond of the fucker)

Thankfully, the PIT swooped in with “It’s ok mom. I got this.”

She picked up the shit covered cat and headed to the bathroom where I hear the door lock…

and then the tub running….

and a lot of “NO JAKE!” and “Dang it cat!”

2 menthols and a Xanax later, the PIT and the Bastardcat emerged from the bathroom….

the PIT was all scratched up but proudly holding a very wet, very clean cat (who looked less then pleased to say the least)

She proudly shoved the cats ass in my face as she proclaimed “I got it all mama!”

The moral of this story……

get rid of your cat before he splatters ass on the walls or get a kick ass kid like mine

Thankfully I don’t have to get rid of either of them…..they have brought me to tears this evening…by laughter.



2 Responses to And then theBastardCat got the flu because he is an attention whore in fur

  1. Katie says:

    That may have been the sweetest story ever. You are a crazy mom and the PIT cleaned up shit. :)

    No, really…we all have crazy, crazy days my friend and when it rains, it pours. Or in your case, has diarrhea. The PIT is lucky to have you, butty as you might be, because you are doing a heck of a job with her.

    Keep up the good work. And keep that Xanax rx filled. Got it mama?

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