Dear Squash,

It’s hard to believe it’s been 6 years without you.

I feel the same strange feeling I felt 6 years ago today…the strange feeling that something was terribly wrong yet not knowing just how terribly wrong.

I feel it, I feel you…I hope you’re at peace but struggle believing that if you had to do it over, you’d fight for life.

Your life as a father, brother, son, friend…it was worth fighting for.

I know you know that.

If only you could have heard that over the filthy lies of depression.

Your kids are twice the age they were when you left them.

They’re growing up so fast….so sweet….looking at your son is looking at you.

Your sister still spends all the time she can with those kids.

Your sister is a tough one as we all know but I’m still pissed she had to be the one to find your body.

You ended your misery but created so much more misery in so many people, it’s hard to not be pissed at you.

Six years later and you’re still dead and we’re still living with YOUR decision.

Maybe I’m not pissed anymore….more disappointed than anything.

I know you struggled with depression but I cannot fathom ripping yourself from your kids lives.

Your love for those kids should have out powered the lies of depression but that night, it just didn’t.

What it is, it should never be….except when it is.

We carry you in our hearts everyday, Squash, we miss you…..that seems to be all we can do.

This year, the PIT and I are raising funds for the American Foundation of Suicide Prevention in your honor.

Maybe bringing this dark and ugly issue out from the dark will shine a little more light on the rest of us….the rest of us still fighting the lies that depression tells…..we will fight on….

Miss you,



You can help bring this ugly monster out of the dark. Join us in supporting the AFSP Overnight Walk here in Seattle.

If you’re having trouble hearing beyond the lies of depression, please, pretty fucking please, reach out.  There are lots of hands ready to reach back.


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One Response to 6 years without you

  1. *hugs* All this time I’ve “known” you, and I never knew you had dealt with this kind of loss. Depression is a monster.

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